5 Parenting Mistakes that Create Entitled, Self-Absorbed Kids

1. Bribing for desired behavior. Take a trip to your local grocery store and you'll probably see at least one mom pleading with her child to behave, and it usually ends up with the mom telling the child that if she will be "good" she can have some candy. I'm all for rewarding our children when they succeed at something, but when we set up a system where there is no real standards for obedience, self-control, respect, etc. and then we use bribes to get the desired results when we are desperate, we have essentially trained our child to act like a brat and expect something in return if they don't.

2. Giving your child too many options. Be honest, sometimes we give our child a choice simply to avoid the conflict that will ensue when we don't. But this is a dead-end road. I'll never forget the day we announced to our three children that we were eating out and they all piped-in with which restaurant they wanted to eat at. Really? When I was growing up we were just happy to get to eat at a restaurant every now and then. When we constantly ask our children "Do you want this one or this one? Do you want to watch a movie or play outside? Do you want to go now or later?", we are teaching them that what they want is the most important thing, regardless of other people's comfort, convenience or preferences.


3. Giving gifts to the non-birthday child at a sibling's birthday. This one really confuses me. I'm not sure when this trend started, but I guess in order to make things "fair", parents have started this practice and requesting that others do this for their children as well. Children need to learn that life is not always fair. But more importantly, they need to learn that the world does not revolve around them and that there are days where we celebrate someone else and make them feel special. Believe me, this will lead to sibling problems BIG TIME if you are doing this. Let the birthday child have their own special day in the limelight, and teach your children to be happy for the person being celebrated instead of jealous that they aren't getting presents, too. This will also teach them the art of delayed gratification. More on that in #5.


4. Underestimating what your child is capable of. If you consistently do tasks for your child that they are physically and developmentally capable of doing, you are handicapping your child's ability to be an independent, productive person. Chores are good for kids, and they need to do them because they are a member of the family, not just so they can get paid for them. Children as young as 2 can start learning how to clean up toys, put plastic cups in low cupboard, etc. Teach your children life skills as they become able to do them, and then LET THEM do it. When a child says "I can't", they are usually meaning "I won't".

5. Giving in to immediate gratification. As parents, we sometimes fall into the trap of thinking that if our child wants something, and we have the means to do it for them, that we should. One of the best lessons you can teach your child is to wait for something, and work toward it. If you give into your child's every whim, they will learn to expect that when they want something, they are not capable of waiting, and they will struggle with patience and self-control their whole life.

Entitled, self-absorbed people don't make good spouses, they don't make good employees, and they don't make good citizens. They also don't make good parents, either. Remember you are raising the people that will raise your grand-children!

Many Blessings,

Kym

The Masquerade

Many times when I speak to women, I say that women are sometimes still that 7th grade girl inside who just wants to fit-in and be accepted. Let’s face it, most women are pleasers and desperately want to connect in some way with other women.

Recently I was doing a little mother-daughter Bible study time with my daughter (who, by the way, is now a 7th grader). We were talking about the temptation for young girls to masquerade as someone else in order to fit-in and be liked. She confessed to me that even she has been guilty of putting on a mask (Gasp! Shocker! ). She described times where she has been with a group of older girls that are talking about “such-and-such” TV show, or some popular singer that they like, and although she has never seen it, or heard of it, she pretends to know what they are talking about so she can be a part of the group and seem cool like them.

Sounds familiar, right? Haven’t we all been there at some point? We put on our mask, our “public persona” and go through life pretending that we have it all together, that we are little happier, a little cooler, than we actually are. The reason 7th graders do this is the same reason we might do it as grown women: because we are afraid of rejection. We are afraid that if people know who we really are, if people know the truth of our situation, or know that we aren’t quite as “with-it” as we pretend to be, they won’t like us. The truth is: if a girl goes through life masquerading as someone else, then she will be left feeling empty and unaccepted anyway because no one has gotten to know the real person and therefore doesn’t really accept and love her for who she really is.

It’s important that we talk frankly about this stuff with our daughters. It’s also important that we be frank with ourselves. If you are masquerading, ask yourself why. When we find our identity in Christ, and trust His plan for our life, then we are free to be real. We are free to be transparent with our struggles, our weaknesses, and just free to love ourselves enough to risk rejection, but also risk being loved for whom we really are.

That’s one of the purposes of Legacy Moms. Motherhood can be both rewarding and challenging for many women and moms need a place to be open,real, and loved for who they are. Women also need other women in their life that love them enough to speak the truth to them, even when it challenges them, or to give them encouragement through a rough time, so that they can reach their full, God-given potential as mothers, wives, and friends. So whether you are still wearing your fancy party-mask, or if you haven’t worn a stitch of make-up since your last child was born- will you join us? We need each other! Another great year of Legacy Moms events starts the last Monday in September.

“As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.” `Proverbs 27:17

Blessings,

Kym

Generational Sin

I saw a news story today about the son of one of my high school coaches who has gotten in trouble for some of the same things his dad had been accused of many years ago. I was reminded of how God put boundaries and rules of acceptable behavior in our lives to protect us. Following God's word protects us from ourselves, and protects those we love from being unwilling sufferers in the poor choices we make.
Unfortunately, many people disregard truth and choose to tear down those boundaries and get involved in sin and disobedience to God's word and leave a legacy to their children (and others that they influence) to follow them down that same, well-worn path to sin. Each generation then continues the same patterns. But each generation has a choice to follow the footsteps that lead to rebellion and the same pain they witnessed in their life, or to rebuild the wall and stay within God's boundaries. We're going to leave a legacy, the choice is ours which one we choose to leave. We are wise when we recognize generational sin that may be present in our own families and take extra precautions in those areas. The evil one just isn't that creative. If your parents or grandparents struggled in an area, you will probably be tested there too. But if you are in Christ, you have the power of the Holy Spirit in you and you can overcome even the biggest temptations. You can be the one to change the legacy in your family and stop the pattern.

Galatians 6:7

Blessings!

Kym

What's Within You?

Last night we were doing a family bedtime devotional with the kids and somehow got on the topic of how you can use what God has given you to serve Him. Our 8-year-old suddenly blurts out, “I know EXACTLY what I am going to do when I grow up!” “Really?” we ask. “Yes,” he says, “I am going to become a builder so that I can go to Jerusalem and rebuild the temple! Because God says the temple will be rebuilt and I can do that!”
Wow! Big dreams from such a little guy. It reminded me of these verses:

Isaiah 6:8 NIV
“Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”

Nehemiah 2:5 NIV
“and I answered the king, “If it pleases the king and if your servant has found favor in his sight, let him send me to the city in Judah where my ancestors are buried so that I can rebuild it.”

Do I think my little guy is a modern-day Nehemiah, being called to rebuild the temple? Probably not. But I do know that my God is capable to fulfill His purposes any way He sees fit. I also know (from personal experience) that He is not looking for the most talented, the most skilled, or the most famous person to do His work. He’s looking for hearts that are totally submitted to Him and willing to do what He calls. Hearts that say “Send me.”
One of my greatest desires in my ministry is to see women find their great purpose in life and live the life God truly intended for them. That becomes part of our legacy because living a life of Kingdom purpose is CONTAGIOUS and our kids can’t help but pick it up.

Eph 3:20 NLT

“Now glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope.”

Have you ever felt like there is something great inside you, something that you would never ever dare to ask God for or even hope that it could happen? What keeps you from fulfilling the great purpose that God has for you? Fear? Laziness? Insecurity? Have you lost yourself in feelings of being unimportant, unimpressive or just plain invisible? Have you convinced yourself that where you are right now is not part of your great purpose…or that your current situation is somehow keeping you from that dream, instead of embracing it? Believe me, I NEVER would have imagined that God would have called me to write for, speak to and teach women. If He can use me in that purpose, He can use ANYONE for anything! Not only could I have convinced myself that I was completely ill-equipped for such a task, but I have had a host of really good excuses to try to get out of doing it.
Have you ever considered that God has you exactly where He wants you – right now - so that you CAN discover your great purpose? He wants you to find whatever is “within you” and use it for His glory, today!
So go for it! Dream big! Take that first step toward finding out what God wants to accomplish through you. Brick by brick, you might find that it’s not as difficult as you thought, because His power within you can make it happen.
The question is, are you willing to say, “Here I am Lord, send me?”

It might not be rebuilding the temple, but it might be rebuilding a Godly heritage for your family by creating a legacy for your children that is beyond what you thought you were able to do. And that is something great, indeed.

Blessings to you!

Hello, I'm Distracted

As moms, we wake up each day and put on a name tag. No, not an actual, visible name tag, and most people may not even notice the name tag we are wearing. But our kids read the name tag loud and clear the minute they see your face. They see by our expressions, the way we listen (or don't listen) and they see it in our attitudes. They see when we are wearing the "Worried" name tag, the "Too Busy" name tag, and the "Quick to Speak, Slow to Listen" one. They know when mom makes a habit of wearing the "Not Now" name tag and when she never takes off the "Unhappy" one.

There are times when each of us will wear these name tags from time-to-time, and for legitimate reasons. In the interest of full disclosure, I've found myself in a very busy season and have several challenges and issues vying for my attention and I have been wearing the "Distracted" name tag a bit too frequently these days. I guess that's why I felt compelled to write this.

However justified we may feel in wearing our inner struggles on our faces, we must be aware how our name tags affect our ability to create a meaningful, trusting relationship with our kids. If we want our kids to tell us the truth, share their lives, and open their hearts to us, we need to make sure that we put on name tags that say "I'm Here", "Patient", "A Soft Place to Fall", "Trustworthy" and "You Matter".

Proverbs 15:13 says, "A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit."

Our heartache can sometimes spill out and crush the spirit of the little lives we are trying to mold also, and a simple change of our heart and face can make a huge difference.

So today, try responding to your children with a big smile and focused attention and eye-contact, even if you are deep in thought and they are coming to tell you a detailed description of the level they just completed on their favorite video game....for the fourth time. The connection you make will be much more valuable than the one minute of time it took to give your child your undivided attention, and your smile and approval will make their day.

Who knows, you might even find yourself wearing a "Greatest Mom in the World" name tag, even if no one sees it but you. You'll know you are wearing it when you see the look of contentment and love on your child's face.

Blessings,

Kym