The Masquerade

Many times when I speak to women, I say that women are sometimes still that 7th grade girl inside who just wants to fit-in and be accepted. Let’s face it, most women are pleasers and desperately want to connect in some way with other women.

Recently I was doing a little mother-daughter Bible study time with my daughter (who, by the way, is now a 7th grader). We were talking about the temptation for young girls to masquerade as someone else in order to fit-in and be liked. She confessed to me that even she has been guilty of putting on a mask (Gasp! Shocker! ). She described times where she has been with a group of older girls that are talking about “such-and-such” TV show, or some popular singer that they like, and although she has never seen it, or heard of it, she pretends to know what they are talking about so she can be a part of the group and seem cool like them.

Sounds familiar, right? Haven’t we all been there at some point? We put on our mask, our “public persona” and go through life pretending that we have it all together, that we are little happier, a little cooler, than we actually are. The reason 7th graders do this is the same reason we might do it as grown women: because we are afraid of rejection. We are afraid that if people know who we really are, if people know the truth of our situation, or know that we aren’t quite as “with-it” as we pretend to be, they won’t like us. The truth is: if a girl goes through life masquerading as someone else, then she will be left feeling empty and unaccepted anyway because no one has gotten to know the real person and therefore doesn’t really accept and love her for who she really is.

It’s important that we talk frankly about this stuff with our daughters. It’s also important that we be frank with ourselves. If you are masquerading, ask yourself why. When we find our identity in Christ, and trust His plan for our life, then we are free to be real. We are free to be transparent with our struggles, our weaknesses, and just free to love ourselves enough to risk rejection, but also risk being loved for whom we really are.

That’s one of the purposes of Legacy Moms. Motherhood can be both rewarding and challenging for many women and moms need a place to be open,real, and loved for who they are. Women also need other women in their life that love them enough to speak the truth to them, even when it challenges them, or to give them encouragement through a rough time, so that they can reach their full, God-given potential as mothers, wives, and friends. So whether you are still wearing your fancy party-mask, or if you haven’t worn a stitch of make-up since your last child was born- will you join us? We need each other! Another great year of Legacy Moms events starts the last Monday in September.

“As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend.” `Proverbs 27:17

Blessings,

Kym

Generational Sin

I saw a news story today about the son of one of my high school coaches who has gotten in trouble for some of the same things his dad had been accused of many years ago. I was reminded of how God put boundaries and rules of acceptable behavior in our lives to protect us. Following God's word protects us from ourselves, and protects those we love from being unwilling sufferers in the poor choices we make.
Unfortunately, many people disregard truth and choose to tear down those boundaries and get involved in sin and disobedience to God's word and leave a legacy to their children (and others that they influence) to follow them down that same, well-worn path to sin. Each generation then continues the same patterns. But each generation has a choice to follow the footsteps that lead to rebellion and the same pain they witnessed in their life, or to rebuild the wall and stay within God's boundaries. We're going to leave a legacy, the choice is ours which one we choose to leave. We are wise when we recognize generational sin that may be present in our own families and take extra precautions in those areas. The evil one just isn't that creative. If your parents or grandparents struggled in an area, you will probably be tested there too. But if you are in Christ, you have the power of the Holy Spirit in you and you can overcome even the biggest temptations. You can be the one to change the legacy in your family and stop the pattern.

Galatians 6:7

Blessings!

Kym

What's Within You?

Last night we were doing a family bedtime devotional with the kids and somehow got on the topic of how you can use what God has given you to serve Him. Our 8-year-old suddenly blurts out, “I know EXACTLY what I am going to do when I grow up!” “Really?” we ask. “Yes,” he says, “I am going to become a builder so that I can go to Jerusalem and rebuild the temple! Because God says the temple will be rebuilt and I can do that!”
Wow! Big dreams from such a little guy. It reminded me of these verses:

Isaiah 6:8 NIV
“Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”

Nehemiah 2:5 NIV
“and I answered the king, “If it pleases the king and if your servant has found favor in his sight, let him send me to the city in Judah where my ancestors are buried so that I can rebuild it.”

Do I think my little guy is a modern-day Nehemiah, being called to rebuild the temple? Probably not. But I do know that my God is capable to fulfill His purposes any way He sees fit. I also know (from personal experience) that He is not looking for the most talented, the most skilled, or the most famous person to do His work. He’s looking for hearts that are totally submitted to Him and willing to do what He calls. Hearts that say “Send me.”
One of my greatest desires in my ministry is to see women find their great purpose in life and live the life God truly intended for them. That becomes part of our legacy because living a life of Kingdom purpose is CONTAGIOUS and our kids can’t help but pick it up.

Eph 3:20 NLT

“Now glory be to God! By his mighty power at work within us, he is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope.”

Have you ever felt like there is something great inside you, something that you would never ever dare to ask God for or even hope that it could happen? What keeps you from fulfilling the great purpose that God has for you? Fear? Laziness? Insecurity? Have you lost yourself in feelings of being unimportant, unimpressive or just plain invisible? Have you convinced yourself that where you are right now is not part of your great purpose…or that your current situation is somehow keeping you from that dream, instead of embracing it? Believe me, I NEVER would have imagined that God would have called me to write for, speak to and teach women. If He can use me in that purpose, He can use ANYONE for anything! Not only could I have convinced myself that I was completely ill-equipped for such a task, but I have had a host of really good excuses to try to get out of doing it.
Have you ever considered that God has you exactly where He wants you – right now - so that you CAN discover your great purpose? He wants you to find whatever is “within you” and use it for His glory, today!
So go for it! Dream big! Take that first step toward finding out what God wants to accomplish through you. Brick by brick, you might find that it’s not as difficult as you thought, because His power within you can make it happen.
The question is, are you willing to say, “Here I am Lord, send me?”

It might not be rebuilding the temple, but it might be rebuilding a Godly heritage for your family by creating a legacy for your children that is beyond what you thought you were able to do. And that is something great, indeed.

Blessings to you!

Hello, I'm Distracted

As moms, we wake up each day and put on a name tag. No, not an actual, visible name tag, and most people may not even notice the name tag we are wearing. But our kids read the name tag loud and clear the minute they see your face. They see by our expressions, the way we listen (or don't listen) and they see it in our attitudes. They see when we are wearing the "Worried" name tag, the "Too Busy" name tag, and the "Quick to Speak, Slow to Listen" one. They know when mom makes a habit of wearing the "Not Now" name tag and when she never takes off the "Unhappy" one.

There are times when each of us will wear these name tags from time-to-time, and for legitimate reasons. In the interest of full disclosure, I've found myself in a very busy season and have several challenges and issues vying for my attention and I have been wearing the "Distracted" name tag a bit too frequently these days. I guess that's why I felt compelled to write this.

However justified we may feel in wearing our inner struggles on our faces, we must be aware how our name tags affect our ability to create a meaningful, trusting relationship with our kids. If we want our kids to tell us the truth, share their lives, and open their hearts to us, we need to make sure that we put on name tags that say "I'm Here", "Patient", "A Soft Place to Fall", "Trustworthy" and "You Matter".

Proverbs 15:13 says, "A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit."

Our heartache can sometimes spill out and crush the spirit of the little lives we are trying to mold also, and a simple change of our heart and face can make a huge difference.

So today, try responding to your children with a big smile and focused attention and eye-contact, even if you are deep in thought and they are coming to tell you a detailed description of the level they just completed on their favorite video game....for the fourth time. The connection you make will be much more valuable than the one minute of time it took to give your child your undivided attention, and your smile and approval will make their day.

Who knows, you might even find yourself wearing a "Greatest Mom in the World" name tag, even if no one sees it but you. You'll know you are wearing it when you see the look of contentment and love on your child's face.

Blessings,

Kym

The Inside Scoop on Gossip

Someone comes to you and says, “You’re not going to believe what I just heard about so-and-so….” And in the blink of an eye you find yourself caught up right in the middle of it. Gossip. The dirt. The inside scoop. Whatever you call it, we have all done it, we’ve nearly all been hurt by it, and we all know better. Then why is it so hard for us to not do something that the Bible clearly tells us is wrong? Is it because society treats it lightly, even promotes it with entire TV shows and magazines and websites dedicated to it? Is it because it makes us feel good to be “in the know” about someone else? Or is it much deeper, much more personal than we would really like to admit?

I recently taught on this subject and got several requests to blog on it. Although I can’t include everything from that lesson in this post, I’ll try to hit some key points and answer some really tough questions about gossiping so that we can all learn to get a handle on this problem that seems so minor, but can lead to a legacy of sin that we will hand down to our children if we don’t get a handle on it.

There is a big misconception out there that if you are sharing something that is true, then it’s not gossip. Gossip is anything we say that raises questions or doubts about another person or their character. It is conversation that occurs behind someone’s back that puts them in a bad light (even if that was not the intention). And then there’s gossip’s evil twin: slander. Slander is to speak critically of a person with the intent to hurt their character or their reputation

I don’t think we usually begin our day with intentionally gossiping about someone or harming their character on our list of things to get done. Sometimes we have a real concern or compassion or curiosity for a person and/or their circumstances and we convince ourselves, “If I can just get more information about this situation, or if I just share this with someone, we can pray for them or help in some way.”

But, if we are really walking with Christ on a daily basis, you know when your talk has become gossip. You get that tug, that pit-in-the-stomach- feeling from the Holy Spirit that tells you that you have shared too much.

Several years ago I encountered a difficult situation with a person that I disagreed with and felt justified in my opinions. I was speaking at a parenting conference and one of the speakers was teaching techniques and opinions that I whole-heartedly disagreed with and even worse…the speaker wasn’t even a parent! I thought it was outrageous. I couldn’t wait to talk about it with a couple of my friends because I knew they would agree with me that I was right…..it was outrageous what was taught and especially coming from someone with no practical experience. I repeated word for word for my friends what was said, even imitated the inflection and gestures used by this person. Then I got that feeling…that tap on the shoulder….uh oh…I was gossiping.

So, why do we talk about others even when we know gossip is wrong, harmful to us and others and we don’t really want to hurt other people? I think it’s like this: I once forgot that I had left a cast iron skillet in the oven and the oven had been preheating. Without thinking, I just grabbed the handle and burned my hand pretty good. Later that day, as I was taking a shower, I realized that the hot water was burning my hand further. However, it was too hard to use my left and hand and wash my hair with just one hand, so I decided to just go ahead and use my hand even though it was hurting, because it was easier to do what I had always done. That the same thing we do with gossip. It’s hard to change habits or to be the one to stop the conversation, so we just go ahead and do what’s easy if we know we are going to pay for it later. That’s the lie of sin. It seems so minor…or fun….for the short term. Then it turns around and bites you. Habits are hard to break.

We as women are naturally talkers and relationship oriented. (That’s not to say that men don’t gossip too) but we as a whole tend to be characterized by having loose lips from time to time. We are by design social creatures. Many of us desire to be included, to be in groups, to fit in and know what is going on in other people’s lives. These things all create the perfect storm for gossip.

We want to be valued, feel connected and get affirmation from those around us. When you share a certain opinion about someone, you are being vulnerable and laying it on the line. When the other person affirms your opinion and shares their true feelings, there is a “bond” -an intimacy that is formed by sharing a “secret” or knowing “inside” information.

If we are really going to get real about gossip and do something about it, we have to feed that root need behind the gossip in a more productive way.

The question is what is your root need that you are trying to fill with gossip? Is it that your self-esteem is low and you need to feel superior to someone by criticizing them? Is it that you feel left out in a group and want to be “in” the group? Do you just need someone to tell you that your opinions are valid?

Let’s be honest, at times we are all that 12-year-old girl inside that still wants to fit in and be accepted. That girl that needs to be in the “in” group and wonders if people really like her and if they are talking about her and judging her behind her back. And the tactics we used in jr. high to feel like part of the group are sometimes the same old tactics we use now, except that now the stakes are much higher! Now there are careers, marriages, testimonies and church unity that can be damaged by our words. Not to mention our children and our legacy.


So, here are five reasons to avoid gossip:
1. It tears apart homes and families.
Proverbs 14:1
“A wise woman builds her house; a foolish woman tears hers down with her own hands.”

One of the ways we tear down our own homes and families, as well as other’s families is with our foolish words.

2. It leads to bitterness.

Hebrews 12: 14-15
“Try to live in peace with everyone, and seek to live a clean and holy life, for those who are not holy will not see the Lord. Look after each other so that no bitter root of unbelief rises up among you, for whenever it springs up, many are corrupted by its poison.”

One little comment made about you or made by you about someone else can start a root of bitterness and pain that can grow into weeds that choke out even the closest of relationships.

3. It changes how you perceive other people.

Proverbs 18:8
“What dainty morsels rumors are – but they sink deep into one’s heart.”

Someone asks a leading question like, “Is everything okay between Mark and Susan? I’m really concerned about their marriage.” You’ve had no reason to think anything was wrong….but now you start to wonder.

Even if the gossip you share isn’t a big deal to you, or if what you hear about someone isn’t even true and you know it’s probably just gossip, it plants a seed of doubt in your mind. Your mind is then forever changed about that person. You sometimes then analyze it and make it into something huge in your own mind. Then begins the speculation, the suspicions, and the judgment- all which may be based on hearsay or something that may not even be true.

4. It defiles you.
To be defiled means to be made unclean. It makes you dirty…basically. Jesus, talking to the Pharisees who were all wrapped up in the religious rules about what was clean and unclean to eat, says the following:

Matthew 15: 11-12 and 16-20a

“You are not defiled by what you eat; you are defiled by what you what you say and do. ……Anything you eat passes through the stomach and goes out of the body. But evil words come from an evil heart and defile the person who says them. For from the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, all others sexual immorality, theft, lying and slander. These are what defile you.”

Slander is right there on the list with murder and adultery as things that defile you. What comes out of our mouths is a reflection of what is going on in our hearts. If the heart is right, the speech will be also

5. It has lasting impact on your circle of influence: your friends, your family and your children.

We are supposed to be discipling our children - that is, leading them and teaching them to follow the Lord. They are our first and most important mission field. I know we would all tell our children not to be gossips or tattle-tales. But we can’t take our children any further than we ourselves are willing to go. We must get this right now - if we don’t, we are creating an open door of generational sin to flow right down to our children. Is that the legacy we want to leave our kids with? Is that how we want to be remembered, “My mom was always on phone with her friends talking about people?” It’s a hard question, but we must take it seriously.

There is no doubt that as women we will fail many times in the area of gossip. We will talk too much from time to time in an effort to deepen our relationships. If we are going to talk though, let’s at least make our words encouraging and beneficial. Let’s commit to use our words to build each other up instead of tearing each other down.

Wouldn’t it be great to know that the women in your life have your back no matter what? They aren’t going to slander you, they aren’t going to criticize your weaknesses, and they aren’t going to talk about you to other people? We can do that for each other! As Legacy Moms, we can commit to be women of integrity, women who stand for what is right, and women who have the self-confidence because of who we are in Christ. We don’t need to drag other people down with gossip. We don’t need to gossip to feel more connected and included.

We are all in process of becoming more like Christ by growing in faith and in spiritual maturity. We have all failed. Don’t focus on your own failure and the failure of others. Instead, let’s forgive each other and help each other to grow, improve and move forward from here. Let’s encourage one another to be better moms and better women today than we were yesterday.